In the lands of Eastern Europe and the Arab world, there was outright and explicit loathing and isolation of Jews by majority Christian and Muslim populations. Outside the “liberal” Western countries, everything about one’s place in society was dependent upon what religious/ethnic group one belonged to. Crossing these lines in choosing a marriage partner almost certainly meant religious conversion as well. And in the case of Jews, it usually meant conversion out of Judaism.
After WWII, things changed radically in the West. Lines of ethnicity began to drop, dividing groups of citizens from each other much less than before: both in the workplace, and in social life. Also, as Jews “made it” more and more in business and professions and as Christian churches gradually dropped or de-emphasized their negative teachings regarding Jews in the wake of the Holocaust, non-Jews began to see Jews more positively; they could see Jews as worthy colleagues and friends, and even as good marriage partners. Many previous, negative stereotypes about Jews have gradually been replaced by positive stereotypes: Jews are smart, industrious, ambitious, “out of the box,” and have good family values.
Most of our society today sees marriage across ethnic/religious and racial lines as positive. Jews and non-Jews alike sometimes find it hard to understand why some Jews and the Jewish establishment, seemingly alone among all groups do not accept exogamy (out-marriage) as an inevitable fact of life in the contemporary world. They sometimes accuse us of having a superiority complex; in a world that sees Jews as worthy partners, why do Jews not reciprocate? Why is it that, among Jews (seemingly) more than in other groups, the taboo against intermarriage is so deeply ingrained? Why do Jewish families, (apparently) uniquely among the groups in society, oppose intermarriage? Why do rabbis, (some think) uniquely among all clergy, refuse to officiate at a mixed wedding?
First of all, we aren’t that unique. Anybody who saw the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” which came out in 2002 is aware that in the Greek-American community there is a similar taboo against intermarriage. In fact, when I first saw the film, I laughed so hard because its themes were very familiar to me! So it isn’t just Jews, but Jews and Greeks! But others, too: African-Americans (for example) also speak of negative feelings in their community when its members date and marry outside their group. Although white, Christian, European immigrant groups that have become entrenched in American life (e.g., Italians, Irish, Poles) seldom complain about their members intermarrying, there are definitely groups other than the Jews who find the phenomenon threatening. Roman Catholics, Orthodox Christians, Muslims and other groups all look askance to one degree or another when their members intermarry. And the clergy of these various religious groups have their own requirements, hoops that couples must jump through if the priest or imam is going to officiate at the wedding.
(A friend who is a Christian but very learned concerning Islam asked me to add the following clarification regarding Muslims: In Islamic circles, out-marriage is considered taboo generally only for women; when a Muslim man marries a non-Muslim woman, it is not considered a bad thing as it is generally assumed that the man will set the religious tone for the family. Thus, a Muslim man who marries a non-Muslim woman is thought to be bringing into the Islamic orbit his wife [whether she actually converts or not], and any children they will have. On the other hand, a Muslim woman who marries a non-Muslim is considered to have committed a grave breach of custom and will arouse considerable anger from her family.)
But why think of intermarriage as threatening at all? In a word, at least where Jews are concerned: demographics.
Although Jews are only a very small percentage of the American population – about 2% of the total – our tendency to cluster in major metropolitan areas makes our presence seem much more robust. As a result, despite our small numbers we are able to sustain in many cities a very complete infrastructure to support Jewish life: synagogues, schools, businesses such as kosher butchers, Jewish Community Centers, social and service organizations (e.g., Hadassah and B’nai Brith) and philanthropic organizations. We are able to garner very strong support for Jewish causes, such as the State of Israel – though detractors within our community claim that the potential is far greater than what we do in practice.
While the population of the US has grown dramatically in recent generations, Jewish numbers are static or declining. Because of Jews marrying for the first time at ever-older ages, and because we prize higher education for young women as well as for men, we don’t make enough children to replace ourselves. And while there are always individuals converting to Judaism, we don’t seek them out because unlike our Christian neighbors we don’t see our religion as being the sole road to salvation and righteousness. (Similarly, the more liberal forms of Christianity who also don’t see themselves in exclusivist terms, don’t actively proselytize, and as a result are also declining numbers-wise.) Finally, the intermarriage conundrum: about half of all Jews marrying for the first time are marrying non-Jews, and in practice only a very small proportion overall of their children are being raised with any meaningful, sustainable Jewish identity. (This statement is NOT intended as an affront to the intermarried Jew who will be reading this and feels they ARE instilling a meaningful Jewish identity in their children; unfortunately, the most recent National Jewish Population Survey bears this out.) Therefore, many of the meager number of babies being born to Jews are not turning out to be Jews. Since the 1990’s, alarm bells about this phenomenon having been sounding loudly in the Jewish community – some would say, not loudly enough.
And what does it matter if our numbers grow, remain static, or even shrink drastically?
The answer is a philosophical one. Does the world need the Jews? Do we have an uncompleted mission among the nations? I think we do, and I believe most committed Jews would agree with me. Even though we have in effect shared our Torah with the nations through the Christian adoption of it in their own holy canon, I believe that we Jews still have a mission to bring its message – as we understand it – to all who will hear. And judging by the amount of Jewish participation in interfaith dialogue, the numbers of Jews involved in social activism and good causes in our country and everywhere…I would have to say that many Jews agree with this on some level. But if our numbers continue to fall through the offspring of Jews not being Jews, we can easily lose our critical mass and disappear from the map. It has already happened elsewhere; for example, once-vibrant Jewish communities in China and India, neither of which experienced significant discrimination or persecution, virtually disappeared within a gneration or two large part because of intermarriage.
The disapproving reaction of your family, friends, and Jewish professionals to your chosen, non-Jewish partner may seem like a personal attack or rejection. That’s understandable, but if you look at the big picture you’ll see that it’s not personal at all but rather out of a deep concern for the continued existence of the Jewish people; therefore the stakes are greater than just one couple and how they feel. That’s why the vast majority of rabbis will not agree to officiate at a mixed marriage ceremony; they don’t want to give an unintended message of approval. In fact, most rabbis are constrained from officiating by the membership in various rabbinic organizations, which expel rabbis who do. That’s also why many rabbis who do officiate at such wedding ceremonies often do so only with certain restrictions and conditions that the couple might not feel they can meet. And that some rabbis who do, also charge excessive fees reflects the unfortunate reality that a few rabbis do such ceremonies as a “business” since the demand is high and there’s not much competition.
So what should you do if you’re engaged to a non-Jew and you’re unable to get your family’s approval or find a Jewish officiant? My answer is not going to be an easy one for some to swallow. I recommend that you stop and ask yourself if you care about the future of the Jewish people. If you do, then think about how you can express that concern in practical ways while spending your life with a non-Jewish partner. Maybe it’s time to discuss this with your fiancé. If s/he understands or shares your concern, perhaps s/he may consider conversion to Judaism. Even if s/he doesn’t feel that’s an option for him/her, there are other possible practical ways to act out of this concern. Instead of just asking your rabbi if s/he will officiate, and then walking away angry if you don’t get the answer you want, try engaging the rabbi in a conversation about what you can do when you marry and start raising a family. Most rabbis will be happy to talk with you and can offer good and practical advice from their pastoral experience. Before you withdraw in anger from Jewish life, it is a conversation worth having.
Okay, I’ve delivered my lecture and now I can climb down off my soapbox! I did promise you an explanation of my own policy, so here it is:
I do agree to marry mixed couples who are interested in creating a Jewish household. My requirements (i.e., when and where I am willing to officiate, and what I require in terms of prepaation) are essentially the same as for couples who are both Jewish. The only added proviso is that I expect the intermarrying couple to take some instruction in Judaism. A 'standard' introduction to Judaism course such as those which are available in just about every Jewish community would be the ideal, but I've often agreed to something 'lesser' or more creative when warranted.
I do not co-officiate with clergy of other faiths. I know this is a difficult stand after the big Chelsea Clinton wedding in the summer of 2010, but it's the only logical stand for me. I have been happy to invite a non-Jewish clergyperson who is close to the non-Jewish family to offer a special blessing...in one case, it was the father of the groom! But the ceremony I do is a Jewish ceremony, not a synthesis of two traditions.
I also no longer do weddings for the unaffiliated - for those who do not belong to a congregation. Sometimes, because of geographic constraints or other reasons, the couple (or the Jewish half thereof) will 'belong' to something other than a traditional congregation. But my requirement is that they be involved in Jewish communal life in some way. To every rule there is a logical exception! But the 'business' of interfaith weddings - anywhere, any time, any circumstances - I leave to the handful of officiants, some with rabbinical ordination and some without, who do such weddings as a full-time occupation.
So why do I officiate for mixed couples at all, given the (hopefully) vigorous defense of my colleagues who don't, that I offer above? I do, in brief because I believe with full conviction that marriage today is an extreme challenge in all cases. Although Judaism doesn't prohibit divorce, or make it overly difficult to obtain, no rabbi will tell you that marriage should be entered into lightly because the principals ultimately won't be 'stuck.' In my rabbinate, I've seen far too much unhappiness beset divorced couples, especially where they have children. Although I see much divorce among inter-married couples, I don't think that intermarriage per se is the primary culprit. If it were, both-Jewish couples wouldn't be divorcing at essentially the same rates as the intermarried-and they are. If I can help one couple avoid unhappiness later by helping them to understand from the start the 'secrets' to building a happy marriage, then I will have earned my ordination! Therefore, despite the traditionally strong Jewish taboo on mixed marriages, since as a rabbi my goal is to create Jewish families, I am willing to make the concession of officiating where a couple is ready to make Jewish choices, in order to be available pastorally to the Jews and their partners. Make sense?